1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:56,520 I dreamed that I was out in space in a spaceship of some kind. 4 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,760 And we had problems. 5 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:06,800 I was about to use some kind of communication tool. 6 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,080 Like a phone. 7 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,240 And I called the earth. 8 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:20,440 But there was no one there who could save us. 9 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,360 We had to fend for ourselves. 10 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:35,280 Then I woke up and realized that God or Jesus did not intend to come. 11 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,640 Everything we have been told about salvation… 12 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,600 ...was a myth. 13 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,440 Inhale. 14 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:44,400 And exhale all the tension inside. 15 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:52,160 So that you feel comfortable, relaxed and safe. 16 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:56,200 Feel safe and secure. 17 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:02,000 You can gradually go back in time... 18 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:06,800 ...and consider yourselves four-year-olds. 19 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,880 Then you can think about... 20 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,560 ...if it's an innocent child or a bearer of original sin? 21 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:28,160 Should the child be in a different way to be accepted? 22 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:33,120 Try telling your four-year-old: 23 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:40,200 “I love and accept you who you are - there's nothing wrong with you." 24 00:03:54,120 --> 00:04:00,200 -How was the exercise for you? - I cried. When you came... 25 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:04,440 -When you talked about the four-year-old. -The four-year-old...? 26 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,880 Because... Is any of this...? 27 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:18,160 I believe too that I exposed my children to it. 28 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,960 I was judgmental and punished them early. 29 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:28,080 And I...loathe the thought of that I could do that to others. 30 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:32,040 But I... I have done that to myself. 31 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:39,520 I'm reliving... You don't know any better. It is repeated against the next generation. 32 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,720 But I'm glad it's not like that anymore. 33 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,320 How was it for you? 34 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:53,040 It was easier to feel innocent as a four-year-old. 35 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:59,720 As I get older, I get frustrated because that I didn't question it or say anything. 36 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,480 Who wants to start? 37 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:11,280 I haven't said much about my background. I don't believe... 38 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,440 - What is your name? - Kari. 39 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,680 Until about four years ago– 40 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:23,400 -I neither knew nor socialized with someone who was not an Adventist. 41 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,840 Not a single one. 42 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,920 I was afraid of… 43 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,680 ...hell. 44 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:44,800 Of going the wrong way and because, as you said, my life would be miserable. 45 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,320 That I'm nothing– 46 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:52,400 -and wouldn't be anything without God. 47 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,800 I was being watched. A little girl in the school yard came forward. 48 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,280 A bold hippie, a beautiful, freckled child. 49 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:11,200 She kissed me on the cheek. I realized then that I wanted her to do it again. 50 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:17,080 At the same time, I realized in that moment that I liked girls. 51 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:23,320 And also that I never could tell someone. 52 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:30,720 I don't know how I could realize it when i was so young But the feeling was strong. 53 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:36,920 I started hiding and lie about things. 54 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:42,720 And when I have told my friends or my partner– 55 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:49,280 - that I was very oppressed during up- the plant, they do not understand what it means. 56 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,400 You're doing well. 57 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,120 - There you are. Hello. -Hello. 58 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,480 -How are you? -And you? 59 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:35,720 Good. Just had dinner. But it is strangely pleasant here. 60 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:41,960 It feels like I've been here longer than a day. 61 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,960 Yes. 62 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:53,800 Of course everyone cries, but I cry mostly. 63 00:07:54,840 --> 00:08:00,760 - You will probably be shocked by that... - You are a real tear factory. 64 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,080 My name is Isabel. 65 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,840 I come from Norway. 66 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,000 From the south coast, which is called the Bible Belt. 67 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:24,840 Many evangelical Christians live there. 68 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:30,280 I told my family that I would go here. 69 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:35,120 I don't know if I regret it. But I almost didn't make it. 70 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:41,720 I actually tried to cancel the ticket, because it didn't feel good to go here, and... 71 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:50,160 Because of my family. It feels like I'm going against them. 72 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,760 Yes. Like I'm doing something bad. 73 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:04,400 So now they bombard me with text messages with Bible verses. 74 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:08,480 The family gathered to pray– 75 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,720 - because the devil attacked the family. 76 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,560 They think it's because I left. 77 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:23,680 The stupid thing is that it scares me too, for I am afraid of the devil! 78 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,280 Thanks. 79 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:44,440 When I was six, seven years old and went home from my mate... 80 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:58,000 I thought I saw shadows which I thought were demons. 81 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:09,040 When I talked to my parents about this– 82 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:14,440 – they couldn't say that it wasn't real. 83 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:23,400 I still get the weird thought if I'm on my way home alone– 84 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,680 - and know that no one is home. 85 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:33,600 Imagine if the devil is sitting at the kitchen table when i get home. 86 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,080 My name is Jeff and I'm from Seattle. 87 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,120 I am hopeful. 88 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,800 And flew here. 89 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:11,040 I don't know if I can handle this. 90 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:25,000 I can relate to your anger. 91 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,560 Mentalcostal... Or whatever you call the Pentecostal church. 92 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,520 I have been with in many churches. 93 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,480 Just the thought of my brothers or mother, if she lived– 94 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:45,280 -could see what I'm saying right now make me scared 95 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,880 So I'm going to simplify it. 96 00:11:56,040 --> 00:12:00,160 I grew up in it Menlo Park Presbyterian Church. 97 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:06,200 And my mother married a pedophile. 98 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:10,840 He did not attack me, but it was difficult. 99 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:15,840 So they moved to Utah to save the Mormons from hell. 100 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,240 Because they are Satanists. 101 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,520 It's so damn confusing. 102 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:29,640 It was in the year 2000 that I started to get angry. 103 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,000 Outwardly angry. 104 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,560 Just like...yeah. 105 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:39,520 For 20 years I have not known anyone. Not until now. 106 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,320 I'll check the engine. 107 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:07,440 And the serpentine belt, so that it is not worn, cracked or worn. 108 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:12,520 And check that the belts are tense enough– 109 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:20,440 –and no longer diverge than 1/2 to 3/4 inch from the center of the belt. 110 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,200 Not bad. 111 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:52,240 -Hello! How is it? -Good. 112 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:57,320 - I have seen you. - And you. - You may have done that. 113 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:03,480 - We are a little bit everywhere. There are quite a few of us. - Yes, I know. Cool. 114 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:08,120 Have you heard of the Book of Mormon? 115 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,800 Yes. 116 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,200 I'll say it straight. 117 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,360 My parents were very religious. Christians. 118 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:23,240 And they actually went to Utah to save you. 119 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:27,400 We have heard many misconceptions about us. 120 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,760 And this message is important to us. 121 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:37,040 We have spent 18 months on it. I'm from Idaho– 122 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:43,480 - and haven't met the family in one six months to be able to spread our message. 123 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,400 May I ask: Was there a defining moment? 124 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:54,400 It was such an aha moment. I felt: "Oh, I'm not alone here!" 125 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:59,840 There was something much more going on than that that people were just doing their thing. 126 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,920 - Yes, it is big. -Have you experienced such a moment? 127 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:09,760 That's a good question. Because I've tried many times– 128 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:14,680 -but have never felt what others have felt. So saved. 129 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,840 So no, I haven't. 130 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:23,400 But I have gone to Bible college. I was thinking of becoming a youth pastor. 131 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,120 So you still believe on a loving heavenly father? 132 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:31,480 I don't know if I want it. I tried to believe a lot– 133 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,200 -but only encountered a lot of hypocrisy. 134 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:41,600 -Certainly it's a problem, isn't it? - Yes, but I wanted to feel what it is now. 135 00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:46,960 - Maybe what you feel. -Eager enough to knock on doors with us? 136 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,960 I'm probably not that eager... What you do is tricky. 137 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,160 I'm not sure I need to… 138 00:15:56,320 --> 00:16:02,520 He loves you no matter what. But he know which path makes you happiest. 139 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:07,520 He gave us his son Jesus Christ. Because he knew which way– 140 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:12,720 –which would make you happiest. Because that's how much he loves you. 141 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:18,800 Our message is that God loves you. He wants you to come back to him. 142 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:25,760 He has made it possible by giving us his son Jesus Christ. 143 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:41,680 I have tried so many times feel that feeling that she… 144 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,360 ...talks about. 145 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,040 Feeling unconditional love, I guess. 146 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,480 Or that one's father is proud of one. 147 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:01,240 That God is proud of you. 148 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,560 But I don't understand that. 149 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:09,160 I don't get it at all. 150 00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,920 And I just left it. 151 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:27,280 And it feels very good, but it is a huge struggle. 152 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:37,720 If I didn't know better should I follow her– 153 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:42,200 –and say, “Yeah, let's do it. This is right.” 154 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,880 That feeling is addictive. 155 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:57,560 The feeling of what she was talking about. That feeling is very strong. 156 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:14,800 We know that families and churches, not government officials– 157 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:20,480 -best knows how to create strong and loving communities. 158 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:32,960 And above all we know this: In America we don't worship the state, we worship God. 159 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:05,360 JESUS SAVES 160 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:29,840 People who leave religion have a lot to learn about self-love. 161 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:35,200 I want to use some from different arts– 162 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:39,680 – and not just use the big words. 163 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:44,960 And we also express ourselves in different ways. 164 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:50,920 In religion you should probably be empty so that God can express himself through one. 165 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,680 You are just a channel and it's a little crazy. 166 00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:01,160 When you leave religion, you feel it as if you are not a real person. 167 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:09,080 You have no identity, one has no substance to offer. 168 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,240 So now we are working on it. 169 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:40,080 This exercise is about isolating the sense of taste– 170 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:46,920 - so that you can have a different experience of being present in the moment. 171 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:52,520 Avoid talking, make it non-verbal. 172 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,240 He expresses his feelings about the food. Or? 173 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:03,560 - No, just focus on the food. -Okay. 174 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:57,960 When you are ready, you can slow down open your eyes and wake up. 175 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,600 Hello, everyone. How does it feel? 176 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,000 It's... I'm trying to figure out– 177 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:18,320 -how I should express myself in front of people I reject. 178 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,400 It makes me feel bad. 179 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:30,440 When I'm here, I'm hypervigilant. 180 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:35,560 That's how I feel. Last night I analyzed them all. 181 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:40,560 And I feel that when I get home... 182 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,440 It's the same crap every day. 183 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:50,440 Is there anything that helps? something people can do? 184 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:56,680 -Like hugging you. Is that okay? - Yes! But not all at once. 185 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,840 I have noticed that the hug corner not used very much. 186 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,640 I like hugs. 187 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:08,160 Can I give Jeff some feedback about what he said? 188 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:17,600 Hypervigilance is an absolutely amazing skill to have and use. 189 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,920 Thanks. 190 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:40,240 It's a freaking superpower. 191 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:47,200 - I know. This feels good. - Exactly that. 192 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,880 -Thanks. - In that case, you know how to hug. 193 00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:01,320 It feels like a ploy to get me to the hug corner. 194 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:06,440 - I also have that ability. - I know that. 195 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,920 But the point is: 196 00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:13,400 -Question. -What then? 197 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,920 When you need it, ask for it. 198 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,520 And here there is plenty of it for you. 199 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:19,200 This was in response to the letter I wrote to him. 200 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,800 My dad. 201 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:30,680 "Dearest daughter. First of all, so your stepmother and I love you." 202 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:36,680 “You are mine and our daughter and I will always love you." 203 00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:50,680 “Furthermore, this is no surprise. Your stepmother and I have been praying for you." 204 00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:56,520 “The Holy Spirit had made us realize that something was not right." 205 00:26:56,680 --> 00:27:03,200 “That there was a spiritual battle going on. And that It wasn't hard to understand what it meant." 206 00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:08,160 “We understood from people you hung out with and of your Facebook posts”– 207 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,320 – "that you developed in that direction." 208 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:16,560 "Third: My biggest fear applies to your spiritual relationship with Christ." 209 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:21,520 “I can't imagine that no one can live without the love of Christ." 210 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,080 "Especially not my own daughter." 211 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,840 “It could cost you and all who love you." 212 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:35,200 “Yes, we are all affected personally if you choose this path." 213 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:40,840 “It is a self-inflicted pain and completely unnecessary.” 214 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:46,360 “Surely some well-meaning people will relatives and friends to say:" 215 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,520 "'It's okay, as long as you're happy."' 216 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:57,680 “But I love you too much too to lie to you. This is not okay.” 217 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:08,320 “The stress and confusion you feel is only due to a guilty conscience." 218 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:14,920 "Conscience is God's loving warning system for our immortal soul." 219 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:26,400 “Having said that, we're sitting on the porch and praying for the return of our beloved daughter." 220 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:30,640 “The choice is yours, of course. But do you choose to come back"– 221 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:36,240 –"will we run against you, kiss, hug, love and celebrate you." 222 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,720 "And we will help you in any way we can." 223 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:46,520 “Come home, Lindsey. Come home now. Quit your job in Minnesota." 224 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:51,120 “Leave those who influence and misleads you.” 225 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:57,240 “Come to our house. We will help you to find a path to true happiness"– 226 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:03,320 -"to peace, contentment and freedom in Christ. i love you Your father." 227 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:29,040 It was something new. 228 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,360 I want to get Kevin treatment… 229 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:08,040 That was actually lovely. 230 00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,120 Okay, Norm. 231 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:22,200 We grew up in a fairly conservative home with German-style discipline. 232 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:28,920 But early on, week in and week out, the message was: 233 00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:36,440 “You're a worthless piece of shit and that's all because of God there is hope." 234 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:41,280 All the messages we just swallow– 235 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:46,200 -especially when we are children, can be very destructive. 236 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:52,480 Our oldest daughter attended Wheaton and our son was three years younger. 237 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:56,960 He was a good sportsman in high school. 238 00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:01,360 He spent the penultimate year in China. The summer after coming home– 239 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:06,280 -he went on the church mission trip, and wanted to participate in a conversation group. 240 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:12,480 The last year was very difficult for him. And he stopped going to church. 241 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:19,200 He was very angry and in the last year he committed suicide. 242 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,360 -Is that how your son died? -Sorry? 243 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,200 -Was it your son? - Yes, he was 18. 244 00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:44,680 The Sunday after his death the pastor spoke about how… 245 00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:48,880 He was probably trying to help the church not to feel guilty. 246 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:56,280 It was Andrew's sin that caused it. I just wanted to crawl under the pew. 247 00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:02,920 How sick is that? It sounded like: "God can take Andrew if he wants." 248 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:08,680 It's like the Stockholm syndrome where one identifies with the perpetrator. 249 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:15,960 But the thought of leaving it there makes me very happy. 250 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:21,760 I'm almost euphoric to avoid it submit to the sick thinking– 251 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:26,920 –or that helplessness. I want my life back, which is not possible. 252 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:29,360 I don't regret... 253 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:35,480 But I want to say that I want to be real, honest and get my life back. 254 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:15,400 I was a very devout Mormon. 255 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,560 So when I left the church– 256 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:24,680 –exploded the entire universe and turned upside down. 257 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:29,760 Everything I thought was real was no longer so. 258 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:37,120 But the grief was transformed finally to anger. 259 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:44,120 It is so strong that sometimes I don't know where should I make of it. 260 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:53,760 God is omnipotent and stands for the ultimate good. 261 00:33:53,920 --> 00:34:00,720 He gave us free will and now tries he us to see if we are good enough. 262 00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:07,040 If not, we are the ones being punished for his damn mistake. 263 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:12,240 I intend to fight God, if he exists... 264 00:34:17,240 --> 00:34:24,760 - It's crazy that you were there for so long. -Yes, and I was a "good" Mormon. 265 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:29,360 I never thought I'd leave, but then i realized– 266 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:33,480 -that the cause of my depression was the church. 267 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:39,480 Because when I was in church I felt like crap, went home and had a panic attack. 268 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:46,280 I thought I had to put up with it. Then I talked to my brother. 269 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:51,200 He pointed out absurdities. I said, "You're right, it's unreasonable!" 270 00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:56,840 -Is everyone in your family Mormon? - Yes, but not my brother. 271 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:03,640 He left before me. But the rest of the family is Mormon, which is tricky. 272 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:09,240 I have young nieces and nephews. "Oh no, I know what's going to happen!" 273 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:15,120 "I want to stop it!" But I hope that in time they– 274 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:21,720 -want to know why I left the church. But I don't want to force it on them. 275 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:26,000 – Which everyone else is doing right now. - Yes, exactly. 276 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:31,600 This is my temple. I drink tequila as a sacrament... 277 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:36,200 Butt worship! It's Sunday - Butt Worship Day! 278 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:41,360 Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Elayna is now performing. 279 00:36:55,840 --> 00:36:59,640 Can we open the window ajar? 280 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:04,360 Is that okay? 281 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:12,880 I feel anger. A fucking rage. 282 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,480 And great sadness. 283 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:21,120 Anger and sadness? 284 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:26,120 Here you have the opportunity to release some of that anger– 285 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,560 –in a process which we can call "anger release". 286 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:40,960 Sometimes anger can be turned inward if you don't release it. 287 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:46,640 That's the whole situation with that the church sends me– 288 00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:50,280 –horrible messages about sex– 289 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:57,600 –and intentionally withheld information that could have helped me. 290 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:04,880 As if what is consent and what is not. 291 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:10,680 Which led to the situation with the man who wouldn't leave me alone. 292 00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:14,880 Even though I said no a million times. 293 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:19,560 Then I felt guilty for breaking the vow of chastity– 294 00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:24,920 - and that I was not a virgin, but sullied. 295 00:38:25,080 --> 00:38:32,840 So I have to marry the bastard who did that to me. 296 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:39,560 When I asked for help and told for my sister and the bishop... 297 00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:45,400 But I could not speak clearly, so I just said, "I've done something bad." 298 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:50,560 And they didn't ask, "Were you safe?" 299 00:38:50,720 --> 00:38:55,680 They didn't ask questions like: "Did you really want that?" 300 00:38:55,840 --> 00:39:01,920 They just said, “Well, you should really don't do that anymore." 301 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:08,720 It's like telling someone who has become kidnapped: "You should probably leave." 302 00:39:08,880 --> 00:39:15,000 When I finally left him broke he my ribs and tore my hair off. 303 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,080 We need a good pillow for this. 304 00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:25,640 A way to release anger is to scream at the top of your lungs. 305 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:30,960 If you want, you can scream into the pillow. Or in that pillow. 306 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:36,800 – Can I throw it? - Yes, you can throw it. 307 00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:41,600 - The top. - It wasn't meant to meet anyone. 308 00:39:42,240 --> 00:39:45,240 Yes, hit it. 309 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:48,320 Damn pile of shit! 310 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:55,440 -For God's sake, change it! -You hellish bastard! 311 00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:59,280 ANGER DAMN ANGER 312 00:40:08,360 --> 00:40:13,800 These represent boundaries. The other lines are not lines. 313 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,800 They are just dashes and dots. 314 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:24,320 They stand for the feeling of that I have no limits. 315 00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:30,200 Often we see black as bad, white as good. But for me white was bad. 316 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:36,680 Because it was an idea in a box. There was only one way– 317 00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:42,160 – to be clean and perfected on. The box is surrounded by all of this. 318 00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:48,680 The doors must always be closed. Man must stay in the black and white room. 319 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:52,480 Because it's dangerous out there. 320 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:08,240 Within Christendom, everyone is infantilized. You remain a child. 321 00:41:08,400 --> 00:41:13,360 - You must be a child of God. - We don't grow up. 322 00:41:13,520 --> 00:41:16,840 Are you God's adults? 323 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:24,120 -No. - No, you are God's children. You are addicted. 324 00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:28,960 You will also hear that you lack inner abilities. 325 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:33,680 You lack inner strength, inner love, inner wisdom. 326 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:38,240 -Did someone tell you that you have inner wisdom? -No. 327 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:46,040 Also when people have left, I have seen that there are atheist sites that say: 328 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:52,120 "Your best 'testimony' is to be one happy atheist." That's not true either. 329 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:58,200 Because you don't have to feeling pressured to be happy. 330 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:06,560 If Christians should criticize you because you if it's bad, that's their problem. 331 00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:11,400 Because sometimes people get depressed when they leave their faith. 332 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:17,000 It belongs to the process, it is not a failure. 333 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:25,240 So don't feel pressured to say: "Now I am master of my life." 334 00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:31,080 "Now I have left religion and is a happy atheist." 335 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:36,120 You practice the role being an adult– 336 00:42:36,280 --> 00:42:41,640 -with some self-respect for your inner wisdom and inner strength. 337 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:47,280 You don't outsource it, you show that you can take care of the child. 338 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:50,040 You don't just hand it over. 339 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:55,000 What are you doing for your child right now? 340 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:59,480 I will find a family where possible. 341 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:06,120 And I will define what a family is to me. 342 00:43:08,240 --> 00:43:13,560 As best as I can, even if it lacks… 343 00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:16,600 ...blood...bonds. 344 00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:27,240 I will remind you that you don't have to be perfect– 345 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:33,000 –and that doubts about some things do not… 346 00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:38,080 ...doesn't mean you're doomed. 347 00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:43,440 That you make it happen does not mean that one is condemned. 348 00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:50,560 -Should I be like my mother? - I am your inner child. You are the parent. 349 00:43:50,720 --> 00:43:53,760 You say: "If I were a parent, I would"… 350 00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:58,960 I would have given you knowledge– 351 00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:02,320 -and let you think for yourself. 352 00:44:02,480 --> 00:44:08,720 I would like to that you live your life the way you want. 353 00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:13,160 I would have let you read whatever you wanted. 354 00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:17,040 And listen to whatever music you wanted. 355 00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:30,000 I wouldn't have told stories… 356 00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:36,080 ...that you were too young to hear. 357 00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:45,120 And when you were afraid… 358 00:44:49,360 --> 00:44:54,080 ...I would have said that it wasn't real. 359 00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:31,800 I remember when my daughter was born… 360 00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:38,520 She needed surgery when she was only six days old. 361 00:45:41,240 --> 00:45:46,120 The probability of that she would survive was only 20%. 362 00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:51,760 I remember praying to God: 363 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:56,720 "If you save Marissa, if you let her live"– 364 00:45:56,880 --> 00:46:01,160 –"then I will follow you forever." 365 00:46:03,320 --> 00:46:09,800 I have thought about that moment many times, for she survived– 366 00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:15,880 -and is healthy, but I still don't think so. 367 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:27,000 I'm afraid she'll be taken away from me, because I am ungrateful and did not keep my promise. 368 00:46:55,880 --> 00:47:03,200 You would travel to heaven where everything would be fine. 369 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:07,600 You had a perfect relationship with Jesus and God– 370 00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:14,480 –and improved all the time. And now you are here without religion. 371 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:19,160 You are stuck in this mixed environment– 372 00:47:19,320 --> 00:47:23,880 –where there are many problems, especially now. 373 00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:27,760 So it's very worrying. 374 00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:34,400 There are no easy answers about meaning with life or on the big questions. 375 00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:39,400 It is unclear how to rethink life. 376 00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:44,960 A problem with the apocalyptic religions are– 377 00:47:45,120 --> 00:47:50,880 -that you believe that time will soon run out, so you don't have to invest in the future. 378 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:56,480 We don't need to save the planet or educate us, because Jesus is coming again. 379 00:47:56,640 --> 00:48:02,440 It is expected that it will soon end, but then it just keeps going. 380 00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:09,120 Here I have something about other people and views that are blocked. 381 00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:15,200 Children who are blocked from... They have no right to information. 382 00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:23,240 Information is withheld about science, sex, politics, history, culture, psychology. 383 00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:27,240 Psychology is of course something bad. 384 00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:32,920 Aspects of all that can be bad and worldly. 385 00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:37,720 It's almost refreshing, because gives context to my experience. 386 00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:42,880 - In a way that I have not seen before. -Good. 387 00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:48,360 It's literally my life there on the board. 388 00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:56,840 I've never seen anything like that. So for me it feels like: "Wow, there it is." 389 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:06,240 You understand… 390 00:49:06,400 --> 00:49:11,480 ...I came from a family with very bad relationships. 391 00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:18,440 I come from a family where there is a lack of deep relationships. 392 00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:24,600 No deep friendship. It's all about structure and rules. 393 00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:30,640 What you can and cannot do. When I broke free– 394 00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:37,480 -I went to church and did everything I used to do. 395 00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:43,560 Then I went out, and after six months I think there were only three people– 396 00:49:43,720 --> 00:49:49,960 – who cheered me on. After six months. It was a common thread. 397 00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:56,920 It made me ask questions. Why is that so? What is going on? 398 00:49:57,080 --> 00:50:02,720 When you start asking questions you become dangerous. 399 00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,800 - You are dangerous, Dan... - No. 400 00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:19,560 I guess that's why we're scary. Just because we ask questions. 401 00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:36,760 Can I put my hand there? 402 00:50:41,760 --> 00:50:48,840 It feels like life have so much to say. 403 00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:53,360 If we listen. 404 00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:59,000 I don't mean to listen to what's going on up here– 405 00:50:59,160 --> 00:51:03,560 – but on what is going on all around us. 406 00:51:03,720 --> 00:51:06,120 And... 407 00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:13,400 ...it feels like I threw away, not thrown away, wasted… 408 00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:19,880 ...a few decades in my head. 409 00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:23,520 And... 410 00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:32,960 As the old saying goes a picture says more than a thousand words... 411 00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:43,640 It feels more like a hundred thousand. 412 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:10,680 I feel robbed. 413 00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:14,640 It feels like someone... 414 00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:17,320 ...kept me locked up. 415 00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:20,040 For twenty years. 416 00:52:20,200 --> 00:52:22,320 And... 417 00:52:24,120 --> 00:52:30,640 ...just gave me just enough with information to make me obey. 418 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:47,960 I see others enjoying a normal life. 419 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:57,400 I wish that I could be so normal. 420 00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:01,320 I long for… 421 00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:07,440 ...to know that someone misses me when I'm not there. 422 00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:12,240 I miss touch. 423 00:53:14,520 --> 00:53:18,400 How to get help? 424 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:26,440 When there are no others to ask than other people? 425 00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:35,800 I don't even know where to start. 426 00:54:00,520 --> 00:54:02,920 My card says: 427 00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:07,040 "Mean bastard Pauly." 428 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:12,080 The goal is to expand the boundaries– 429 00:54:12,240 --> 00:54:17,400 – for what is acceptable in your presence. 430 00:54:17,560 --> 00:54:22,560 Your stories pisses me off so much– 431 00:54:22,720 --> 00:54:26,440 - but I am very grateful for to hear them. 432 00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:32,800 To expand the boundaries and experience something beyond the walls. 433 00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:37,920 My dad was– 434 00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:45,040 -a religious Carmelite friar in Texas. 435 00:54:45,200 --> 00:54:51,280 And what he told was about that he liked being with boys. 436 00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:55,800 The father was included in the cabal of the Catholic Church– 437 00:54:55,960 --> 00:55:01,720 – by perpetrators who sexually exploited children. 438 00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:05,840 All six of us children. 439 00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:13,440 I am the oldest, and according to my younger ones brothers and sisters I was the worst victim. 440 00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:18,600 I think that's bullshit. I couldn't protect them. 441 00:55:24,960 --> 00:55:30,320 I distance myself a lot, so when you see me doing stuff– 442 00:55:30,480 --> 00:55:34,880 – is to remind the body of to stay in the room. 443 00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:41,520 The story was that the Carmelite brothers said to him– 444 00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:46,680 -to go home and get married, because it would be better for him. 445 00:55:46,840 --> 00:55:52,000 Dad was my lover from my first orgasm– 446 00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:56,160 – until I got engaged when I was 18. 447 00:55:56,320 --> 00:56:01,560 Then he turned on my younger brothers. And it hurt so much. 448 00:56:01,720 --> 00:56:06,120 I wasn't told that until I was 35. 449 00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:12,000 I blocked everything until the late 80s and then... 450 00:56:13,400 --> 00:56:17,720 My two marriages ended in divorce. 451 00:56:17,880 --> 00:56:23,720 I enjoyed the first one the great gift I gave myself– 452 00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:29,520 -which was 31 days on a psychiatric clinic for sexual trauma. 453 00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:35,800 By being able to admit how religion permeates and… 454 00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,920 ...poisoning everything... 455 00:56:41,080 --> 00:56:46,240 I'm here because I want to that you help me get through it. 456 00:56:46,400 --> 00:56:50,680 And listen here: The deeper the sorrow... Gibran says: 457 00:56:50,840 --> 00:56:55,800 "The deeper the grief cuts into one's soul, the greater joy one can hold." 458 00:56:55,960 --> 00:56:59,080 The flip side of that crap is: 459 00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:05,160 Bring me all your shit, because you don't have anything I don't like. 460 00:57:06,480 --> 00:57:10,320 I am deeply moved by what you said. 461 00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:19,080 Me too. 462 00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:38,240 It is sticky. 463 00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:43,440 -How do the eyelashes work? - Does it fit okay? 464 00:57:43,600 --> 00:57:46,640 -Yes. - Then I try the other eye. 465 00:57:47,320 --> 00:57:53,880 -A perfect color combination. -Thanks. Then I will become a man. 466 00:57:54,040 --> 00:58:00,600 I don't understand that culture enough to dress like that. 467 00:58:00,760 --> 00:58:06,560 I would like to know more. I know nothing about rules and boundaries. 468 00:58:06,720 --> 00:58:10,160 Or about respect and disrespect. 469 00:58:10,320 --> 00:58:14,840 I would like to know more before I participate in it. 470 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:21,000 As a queer woman, I would really like if you dressed in drag. 471 00:58:21,160 --> 00:58:23,560 I mean no harm... 472 00:58:23,720 --> 00:58:28,320 I don't want to create any confusion. Not right now. 473 00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:32,880 - It's just a personal choice. - But it would be fun. 474 00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:39,320 I can imagine you in a ballerina skirt. Whether you show up like this– 475 00:58:39,480 --> 00:58:45,000 –or as a straight man in a ballerina skirt, then someone will bump into you. 476 00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:47,600 You choose... 477 00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:24,040 He was believed to strike down like lightning and then spread the word of God like a breeze 478 00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:30,800 But I stayed on my faith since the robbery Doubts disappear, God makes me strong! 479 00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:35,360 Missionary - damn it! 480 00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:42,320 Saving the world is so hard 481 00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:47,480 Is so hard 482 00:59:55,440 --> 01:00:00,480 -Are there any Mormons in the audience? - Here we have one! 483 01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:04,440 -Is that how it is? -Oh my God, yes. 484 01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:07,440 Ex-Mormon! 485 01:00:07,600 --> 01:00:11,440 People back there, you need to hear this. - Did you go on a mission? 486 01:00:11,600 --> 01:00:18,720 I wanted to, but when I turned 21 I confessed that I masturbated. 487 01:00:18,880 --> 01:00:22,560 So I was not worthy to be a missionary! 488 01:00:24,040 --> 01:00:28,120 -Do we have a nice Broadway night tonight? -Yes! 489 01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:35,760 I myself chose change 490 01:00:36,240 --> 01:00:40,040 I chose the path 491 01:00:40,200 --> 01:00:45,640 Said goodbye to a life filled with grief 492 01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:54,000 To take me from the darkness and towards the light at last 493 01:00:54,160 --> 01:01:00,200 I chose freedom 494 01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:04,560 Hunted around, wanted to experience everything 495 01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:11,160 But nothing was enough for me 496 01:01:11,320 --> 01:01:17,160 Like I never thought either 497 01:01:30,240 --> 01:01:33,880 Journey in the imagination– 498 01:01:34,040 --> 01:01:37,520 –back to that place– 499 01:01:37,680 --> 01:01:42,280 -where you lived as children with your family. 500 01:01:43,480 --> 01:01:47,480 Here you have made a kind of time travel. 501 01:01:47,640 --> 01:01:54,960 You can go in and get yourself, the little child– 502 01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:59,720 -and bring the child to a better place. 503 01:01:59,880 --> 01:02:05,040 In other words: to come and live with you. 504 01:02:06,760 --> 01:02:11,680 Draw with these colors. You can draw something concrete or abstract– 505 01:02:11,840 --> 01:02:17,440 -but draw something that shows that you bring the child into your home. 506 01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:33,000 She's not there right now, she plays outside, but here she comes. 507 01:02:33,160 --> 01:02:40,800 This is her home, it's safe there for her to be herself. 508 01:02:40,960 --> 01:02:47,280 -And how was the picture for you? - It felt like a kidnapping. 509 01:02:49,240 --> 01:02:54,640 That was the word I thought of first. I thought, "What a strange word." 510 01:02:54,800 --> 01:03:02,120 I think it depends that my parents are such good people. 511 01:03:04,640 --> 01:03:09,080 It feels hard to say that they sabotaged it. 512 01:03:09,240 --> 01:03:17,280 Therefore, in a sense, it is difficult to take care of my inner child myself– 513 01:03:17,440 --> 01:03:21,280 - because it feels like... 514 01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:30,840 - It would be insulting them in some way. - You can honor without idealizing. 515 01:03:31,000 --> 01:03:35,480 I think they expect to be idealized by me. 516 01:03:35,640 --> 01:03:41,840 - If you have a problem, it's your own fault. - Yes, but it's not about criticism. 517 01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:47,680 Without more about you taking over and do the best you can. 518 01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:50,840 This is chapter two. 519 01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:56,680 As an adult, you are like a small child which recurs again and again– 520 01:03:56,840 --> 01:04:02,000 -to get love from your mother who will never love you. 521 01:04:02,160 --> 01:04:07,400 It doesn't matter that much about everyone in your family being lousy. 522 01:04:07,560 --> 01:04:13,000 But only if your child must be able to live here and now. 523 01:04:13,160 --> 01:04:19,080 And we must be wise enough to know when we have to let go. 524 01:04:19,240 --> 01:04:24,040 When we have to stop trying to solve problems which cannot be resolved. 525 01:04:24,200 --> 01:04:28,200 Because it can wear you out. 526 01:04:31,280 --> 01:04:35,200 Just go, don't think about anything. 527 01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:44,080 Stop and close your eyes. If you were to choose a value concept– 528 01:04:44,240 --> 01:04:48,000 -and place it somewhere in the body, where would it end up? 529 01:04:48,160 --> 01:04:54,840 You can touch that body part or focus entirely on that body part. 530 01:04:57,240 --> 01:05:01,160 Now drop it and walk around. 531 01:05:07,080 --> 01:05:12,240 Now we will enter the values in a movement which conveys to you– 532 01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:17,400 - not for anyone else, how the value is felt in the body. 533 01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:21,600 -Peace of mind. -Yes! 534 01:05:21,760 --> 01:05:24,640 -Compound. -Yes! 535 01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:27,880 -Courage. -Yes. 536 01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:30,560 -Sensitivity. -Yes! 537 01:05:30,720 --> 01:05:33,800 -Freedom of prejudice. -Yes! 538 01:05:34,960 --> 01:05:37,400 -Creativity. -Yes! 539 01:05:37,560 --> 01:05:39,880 -Strength. -Yes! 540 01:05:50,160 --> 01:05:54,520 Take some deep, but slow breaths– 541 01:05:54,680 --> 01:06:00,160 – because the nervous system lets you know that nothing dangerous is happening now. 542 01:06:02,280 --> 01:06:06,240 Notice the belly, the stomach that says: 543 01:06:06,400 --> 01:06:10,480 "This is what I want – and don't want." 544 01:06:10,640 --> 01:06:14,360 The stomach is good for drawing boundaries. 545 01:06:16,320 --> 01:06:20,320 See how still you can be. 546 01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:25,560 Sow. You have made it here. 547 01:06:27,160 --> 01:06:30,960 See how still you can be. 548 01:06:32,160 --> 01:06:36,360 Begin to become aware of your pelvis. 549 01:06:36,520 --> 01:06:41,120 Whatever you call your body parts: mouse, cock... 550 01:06:41,280 --> 01:06:47,400 ...genitalia, vulva, pit, penis. It is there. 551 01:06:48,520 --> 01:06:52,840 Nothing is about changing what you feel or experience. 552 01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:57,800 Just start becoming aware of and unite with yourselves. 553 01:06:57,960 --> 01:07:04,400 So that we know where our boundaries are, what our desires are in a physical way. 554 01:07:04,560 --> 01:07:09,120 Then we also want to know how our brains think about cravings. 555 01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:25,000 You can squeeze properly if you want. 556 01:07:26,640 --> 01:07:29,600 Just squeeze. 557 01:07:49,200 --> 01:07:54,880 I have to put on my glasses so that I can see you more clearly. 558 01:08:24,840 --> 01:08:28,040 I like your lips. 559 01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:36,480 -Can everyone now thank each other? - Thank you for accepting me as well. 560 01:08:39,440 --> 01:08:42,320 That was nice. 561 01:09:05,360 --> 01:09:12,640 How can people live with the knowledge that time on earth is the only one we have? 562 01:09:18,480 --> 01:09:23,520 For some it is a day or less than a day. 563 01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:29,080 For some it is a few years, for others a long, long life. 564 01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:32,240 But then it's over. 565 01:09:40,480 --> 01:09:45,480 But the world lives on. 566 01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:49,640 The solar system, the universe lives on. 567 01:09:51,000 --> 01:09:54,320 Until it ends. 568 01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:01,560 And we are… 569 01:10:03,920 --> 01:10:07,320 ...we are so small. 570 01:10:14,000 --> 01:10:16,240 So... 571 01:10:17,600 --> 01:10:23,400 ...to live our lives as best we can during the time we have is what matters. 572 01:10:25,280 --> 01:10:32,960 To focus on what we see, do and know is the best thing we can spend our time on. 573 01:10:33,120 --> 01:10:38,480 Not to worry about that we cannot see and do not know. 574 01:10:54,920 --> 01:10:59,520 I want mom to understand, even if she lacks understanding. 575 01:10:59,680 --> 01:11:04,080 When I came out in front of dad, he didn't say anything. Not for years. 576 01:11:04,240 --> 01:11:10,120 But a year later your mother said that was crushing: "We were crushed." 577 01:11:10,280 --> 01:11:15,680 - Yes, it was really inappropriate. -Over a coffee. 578 01:11:15,840 --> 01:11:22,920 -"Too bad you fell victim to the situation." -Sacrifice for a daughter they didn't want. 579 01:11:23,600 --> 01:11:29,840 It's all very unfair, mate. So many tears have been shed this past week. 580 01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:34,560 Over this. And no one should shed tears at all. 581 01:11:34,720 --> 01:11:38,640 Four days before, three days before, yesterday. 582 01:11:38,800 --> 01:11:43,840 I want them to come and support me. But yesterday I had to force an answer: 583 01:11:44,000 --> 01:11:50,000 "Do you support me or not?" They said no. "But we still want to participate." 584 01:11:50,160 --> 01:11:55,680 It's not enough for me. "Whatever you do, show honest intent." 585 01:11:55,840 --> 01:12:02,840 “If you don't think gay can be together, don't come to celebrate." 586 01:12:03,000 --> 01:12:08,200 That's where I draw the line. And I have to pull it. 587 01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:13,000 I can't explain why it is so important. 588 01:12:13,160 --> 01:12:17,200 Yes, Kari. If I were to fall in love with a guy– 589 01:12:17,360 --> 01:12:21,360 - so wouldn't my whole family wonder who i am 590 01:12:21,520 --> 01:12:25,240 They can understand why I like her… 591 01:12:25,400 --> 01:12:31,400 Your mother still denies it, like it was a phase in your life. 592 01:12:31,560 --> 01:12:36,720 Yes, and they perform as if it is something that God will heal. 593 01:12:36,880 --> 01:12:42,320 And that Miranda and I one day will say, "No, we're just friends." 594 01:12:42,480 --> 01:12:48,360 So I... I don't even know what to do with it. 595 01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:54,000 - Tomorrow is your fucking wedding. - I don't care about everything else! 596 01:12:54,160 --> 01:13:00,320 You are not responsible for your wedding be peaceful! You are one hell of a bitch! 597 01:13:00,480 --> 01:13:03,960 You are also an awesome fucking bitch. 598 01:13:18,320 --> 01:13:22,320 Go back to childhood. 599 01:13:24,120 --> 01:13:29,920 Then go back even further. Was a small child. 600 01:13:30,080 --> 01:13:32,600 Then a baby. 601 01:13:32,760 --> 01:13:38,320 A newborn baby. A beautiful little baby. 602 01:13:38,480 --> 01:13:42,960 It's exciting, you are new to the world, beloved. 603 01:13:43,120 --> 01:13:49,120 Special. Your family is happy, your family is here. 604 01:13:49,280 --> 01:13:53,200 Your family welcomes you. 605 01:13:59,000 --> 01:14:04,720 It is not pleasant when the ground gives way and there is something missing to stand on. 606 01:14:04,880 --> 01:14:10,560 You've lost yourself, lost yourself others you thought you knew. 607 01:14:10,720 --> 01:14:16,040 Much has been taken from you and it must be reclaimed. 608 01:14:16,200 --> 01:14:21,320 Your identity, your will, your ability to think, your feelings, your trust– 609 01:14:21,480 --> 01:14:27,640 – your intuition, your sexuality, your creativity and much more. 610 01:14:28,920 --> 01:14:33,320 The creation of your new life is grand and more than you expected. 611 01:14:33,480 --> 01:14:40,120 You give birth and are the parent. Nothing is outsourced to God anymore. 612 01:14:40,280 --> 01:14:44,760 And no more talk about to be dependent, helpless or bad. 613 01:14:44,920 --> 01:14:49,360 It means struggle and wonderful discoveries. 614 01:14:49,520 --> 01:14:54,280 Before you had all the answers, for they were forced upon you– 615 01:14:54,440 --> 01:14:57,320 –until you could rattle them in your sleep. 616 01:14:57,480 --> 01:15:03,160 Now you are working on removing them out of your head. It will take time– 617 01:15:03,320 --> 01:15:09,680 -but you find your place and others can benefit from your life experience. 618 01:15:09,840 --> 01:15:16,120 You will be an elder in the word best sense. And we need you. 619 01:16:12,640 --> 01:16:19,080 It was the friendliest and most rewarding I've been a part of. 620 01:16:25,840 --> 01:16:28,040 Thanks. 621 01:16:55,360 --> 01:17:00,000 I met grandma and Aunt Iris at the cafe. 622 01:17:00,160 --> 01:17:05,120 -When then? - Well, I went to buy coffee and lunch. 623 01:17:07,280 --> 01:17:10,080 It was a bit strange. 624 01:17:13,360 --> 01:17:18,920 They don't understand why me must go on a retreat to… 625 01:17:19,080 --> 01:17:25,000 They didn't think it was anything Buddhist? When you first told me. 626 01:17:25,160 --> 01:17:29,720 They thought it was a Buddhist temple. 627 01:17:29,880 --> 01:17:34,360 – "Isabel is going to become a Buddhist!" -You know what was also strange? 628 01:17:34,520 --> 01:17:41,720 Someone thought it was a cult. It is a special religious group– 629 01:17:41,880 --> 01:17:47,560 – which is a bit excluded from the rest of society. 630 01:17:47,720 --> 01:17:52,000 Were they not at first afraid of that you would go there? 631 01:17:52,160 --> 01:17:55,960 They are afraid of… 632 01:17:56,120 --> 01:18:00,080 -Lumi freezes. -Yes. 633 01:18:03,280 --> 01:18:09,040 They are afraid that I will think in a different way than they do. 634 01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:16,200 Because then we can't be together in the next life. 635 01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:22,560 That is what they are most afraid of. 636 01:18:22,720 --> 01:18:27,600 But no one has any evidence for that heaven exists. 637 01:18:28,600 --> 01:18:36,240 Although they believe it exists. And then they want everyone they love to come there. 638 01:18:36,400 --> 01:18:41,160 But if you waste life on something that is not true? 639 01:18:43,000 --> 01:18:48,440 Isn't that a colossal waste of life? 640 01:18:49,920 --> 01:18:53,000 Yes, is it a waste? 641 01:18:53,160 --> 01:18:59,320 But regardless, I think so the most important thing is that we respect each other. 642 01:18:59,480 --> 01:19:02,480 And sometimes it's hard. 643 01:19:11,400 --> 01:19:17,400 In John 17:3 Jesus said… He prays to his Father and says: 644 01:19:17,560 --> 01:19:22,520 "And this is eternal life, that they know you, the one true God”– 645 01:19:22,680 --> 01:19:25,600 —"and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." 646 01:19:25,760 --> 01:19:32,280 So we have the answer. What is salvation? What is eternal life? It is knowing Jesus. 647 01:19:32,440 --> 01:19:37,120 I have started listening to sermons. And I... 648 01:19:39,760 --> 01:19:45,160 It feels strange. And strange to tell anyone— 649 01:19:45,320 --> 01:19:49,480 - because it feels like it as if I were to be criticized– 650 01:19:49,640 --> 01:19:55,600 –for returning to it that made me sick. 651 01:19:57,000 --> 01:19:59,760 But I've been listening– 652 01:19:59,920 --> 01:20:06,560 -and actually found comfort in listening. 653 01:20:06,720 --> 01:20:11,400 Because it feels like that's all i got. 654 01:20:16,480 --> 01:20:18,480 Yes... 655 01:20:19,520 --> 01:20:27,640 That's all I mean that others cannot relate to it. 656 01:20:27,800 --> 01:20:33,320 A lot of people can't relate to that. I'm not saying people are mean. 657 01:20:33,480 --> 01:20:37,240 But I feel very alone. 658 01:20:39,520 --> 01:20:45,040 Because I listen to the preachers and they pull it off so well. 659 01:20:45,200 --> 01:20:50,680 They are more comfortable with themselves than what I do. 660 01:20:50,840 --> 01:20:53,200 And I... 661 01:20:56,920 --> 01:21:01,080 It doesn't seem fair. 662 01:21:01,240 --> 01:21:08,480 I don't know if I should fight harder and say, "What you teach is absolutely crazy." 663 01:21:10,000 --> 01:21:13,200 I don't know. 664 01:21:13,360 --> 01:21:17,040 What is the point? What do I do now? 665 01:21:17,200 --> 01:21:23,400 I have a good job as I am grateful for. And want to thank God for. 666 01:21:23,560 --> 01:21:28,400 But it's... What's the point? 667 01:21:28,560 --> 01:21:34,360 I need something that gets me up in the morning. 668 01:21:36,360 --> 01:21:42,560 believe it or not, but the sermons actually help. 669 01:21:46,920 --> 01:21:53,520 Although at the same time it's damn disturbing. Which is pretty much how I feel. 670 01:22:03,920 --> 01:22:07,000 Just to be safe... 671 01:22:28,960 --> 01:22:33,800 Miranda, being loved by you makes me to the happiest person in the world. 672 01:22:33,960 --> 01:22:40,200 Sometimes it's the little things I like you, like you want to greet all the dogs. 673 01:22:40,360 --> 01:22:45,600 Or like when I do laundry and find candy wrappers in your pockets. 674 01:22:48,080 --> 01:22:54,040 Most of all, I love that you get me to feel more like myself. 675 01:22:54,200 --> 01:22:58,760 More than anything else I want to have a family life with you. 676 01:22:58,920 --> 01:23:05,240 Finally, I promise to love you as you are always loved me: fiercely, patiently– 677 01:23:05,400 --> 01:23:09,240 – and completely unrestrained. As long as I live. 678 01:23:09,400 --> 01:23:13,320 Now you get to kiss the bride. 679 01:23:24,160 --> 01:23:28,760 Welcome to Lady Love's virtual strip club! 680 01:24:11,560 --> 01:24:16,400 Translation: Dag Linder Swedish media text for SVT